Derby 2014

BERLIN 2014

(SQUARRITES TUNNEL OUT)

29th September- 3rd October 2014

The pioneering 6 met at the Westbury to start the holiday with a few pints of Speckled Hen before Sid's neighbour turned up in his mini bus.

B. Ed and Andy were collected in Trentham where a poster advertising “Circus Berlin” featured a Craig lookalike on the flying trapeze.

Sid and Craig joined at Uttoxeter for the journey to East Midlands Airport.

The security check went well for most. JC was de-booted but avoided the personal search unlike Craig whose underpants were well rummaged. Sid swore he heard the searcher say “That way Madam” on completion.

A rendezvous was made at the bar for some surprisingly good and relatively cheap locally brewed ale. Yup pledged to be sensible this holiday and recalled that he had collapsed at the 2003 Munich beer festival.

“How much was the round” asked Sid.

Jacko felt smug that Yup's recommendation to place all possessions into the case for X ray had paid off and he had not been separated from his wallet and passport.

Sean was met in the shed that had been labelled “Departure Lounge” and Bill & JC went forward as priority boarders and were lucky to be able to take their hand luggage on board. The remainder had to leave their hand luggage at the bottom of the stairs for storage in the hold since overhead lockers were already full. Ryanair had been stymied by the success of their preferred policy yet again.

The flight to Berlin, Schonefeld was uneventful though Craig's suitcase arrived damaged by a deep cut.

Colditz Castle loomed above the pleasant town and had obviously been spruced up with a recent coat of paint.

Organised tours with access to otherwise closed areas would not be available until 13:00 but Anne Marie Faust agreed to a special tour. She described the ancient history of the castle and its rebuilding in stone in 1583.

The building had been taken over by the Nazis to hold political opponents and Polish prisoners of war who were moved out to house Western POW's with a record of escaping. The Nazis had been keen to demonstrate to the Swiss delegates of the Geneva Convention that conditions were good.

The locals manning the prison were all fine upstanding citizens and the Commandant had been 72 years old on retirement. It was the Nazis who were unkind and took retribution on the guards in the event of failure. Escapes were therefore not reported or publicised. If any prisoner did a “home run” the 500 miles to Switzerland they would send back a postcard written in cryptic English.

Anne Marie described the escape of Pat Reid and took the Squarrites to a cellar to show the narrow slot he had crawled through while totally naked and in a Fosbury Flop manner.

The tour continued with Tim being sent to solitary confinement and Yup taking a breather on the guard's bed.

The most impressive escape tunnel had been started by the French contingent. With typical Gallic flair they had started the tunnel at the top of the staircase turret and had scraped their way into the wine cellar and out towards the perimeter wall. There had been a break in work while they drunk the contents of the cellar but the route could have been successful had the guards not found all the excavated debris stored in the attic.

On the route back to the village Brian mused how the East had changed since the fall of the wall. “What would they say if we asked those old dears what was better in the old days?”

Sid suggested “At least we didn't get stupid questions from tourists!”

Sean lead the way to the underground rail station but the directions and ticket machines proved difficult. 11 tickets were bought for a total cost of 40.6 Euros.

The S line on platform 6 was eventually found and the Squarrites just made the train as bleepers sounded and the doors began to close.

Every 5 minutes for the next 20 the bleepers sounded and doors automatically closed and re-opened until finally setting off.

“Lucky that we just made it” said Brian before recounting that a recent visitor to his family had loudly announced that Berlin was good for sex and debauchery to leave him to protest that art and culture were foremost.

JC reported on a TV interview with an American who “suffered” an orgasm every 4 minutes. He had lost his job as a waiter but could boil an egg to perfection.

The ride to Alexanderplatz Station was easy and Sean led the way again but left the Station on the wrong side so that a long detour was needed to locate the Ramada Hotel.

Rooms were allocated and numbers noted for possible future phone calls.

Apparently the “famous” Berlin Marathon had taken place the previous day and all rooms had been taken. Bill and Jacko were required to take a smoking room and share a double bed in a familiar repeat of the Rutland experience.

Jacko begged for a put-u-up bed no matter what space was available and settled for free complimentary beers as compensation.

The time was now late. TheHofbrau Munchen was close to the Hotel but was closing with no further admissions. The H2 24/7 bar was cheerless but sold pizzas and burgers together with bottled beer from a large fridge. A strange etiquette existed that only allowed beer to be sold from one counter and food from the other though there was only one person working.

Tuesday 30th September

Tuesday started early but the breakfast was good. The bacon was extra thin and extra crispy but there was lots of it. There was also lots of egg, hard boiled, scrambled or as bespoke omelette.

The Squarrites walked to Alexanderplatz station for a two section ride to Friedrichstrasse and walk to the Brandenburg Gate where Yup couldn't resist the invitation for a turistfart.

Various street artists performed their usual arrays of frozen animation. Sid recalled one artist who had made a fortune with an empty rostrum and a bucket that he emptied every hour when he returned as the invisible man.

The walking tours of Berlin started at 11:00 so there was plenty of time for coffees and ablutions before meeting the tour guide.

The groups were already full so the Squarrites had to split and join 2 separate tour groups.

Rob McCraken introduced himself as a history graduate from Guildford but living in Berlin. He clearly loved the City and his subject but failed to show the waste paper basket by Hitler's funeral pyre that some had been shown 7 years before.

The former headquarters of the Luftwaffe remained apparently unharmed and continued its sinister existence as the federal tax office.

Rob described life in the former Eastern Sector. There was a popular saying in the communist era. “We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us”.

The walk continued via Checkpoint Charlie and ended at the Humboldt University at the site of the burning of the books in 1933.

Sean lead the way to Roca's in Hackescher Makt. The square was bustling with outdoor tables under canopies and patio heaters but the Squarrites opted to dine inside to admire the architecture of what was essentially a railway station undercoft constructed of bare glazed brickwork.

Craig ordered a country pizza with a side thingee of chips and wondered why the waitress looked so serious.

Brian wondered why broad minds and narrow hips swopped places as people aged.

JC noted that the whole building moved with each train to swing the chandelier. Even worse the crack above his head was widening.

DB wondered if the openings in the brickwork were “twat holes” for pigeons.

Yup was offended to learn that tap water would cost 2.50 Euro /carafe. Drinking water instead of beer would help his diabetes and earn him brownie points at home but not at those prices.

Wednesday 1st October

Tickets for the trip to Leipzig had been pre-booked for the 9:52 from Platform 2 at Hauptbahnhof station.

The superior ICE train had been chosen by JC who thought it would be cool.

The printed out group ticket was scanned in and the Squarrites settled back to catch up on lost sleep. The morning mist cleared and the sun shone. “Glad I didn't bring my coat” said Yup while clutching his new coat.

Leipzig Station was impressive with perhaps the world's longest platform and a multi level concourse. Craigee had a long walk to the loo.

Yup and his public transport consultant (B.Ed.) soon discovered the ticket office and stop for the bus to Colditz. Yup tried to pay for the collective ticket with a 100 Euro note and claimed that the staff came out to take a photo.

The bus arrived in minutes for the first leg of the journey. The 619 bus stopped at a terminus in the pleasant market town of Grimma and the Squarrites disembarked to look for the real time information sign for the next leg. Sure enough the sign was there but on the bus they had just got off. The Squarrites re-boarded to find their previous good seats had already been taken.

Yup discovered that he had lost his pill box but was surprised to learn that it had migrated from the pocket to embed itself into the collar. He was glad he'd brought his jacket after all.

In the town square Yup enquired at tourist information where he could get a beer. “Next door” was the reply.

Sure enough the bar was there and pulled all the stops out to provide 11 beers and snacks in record time. The all-in toasted sandwich was particularly well received and even the artichoke went down well. Others went for crepes and ice cream.

The bus arrived empty but soon filled with school students on their way home as it weaved its circuitous route through a featureless landscape without field boundaries back to Grimma.

The Squarrites were cautious as the bus pulled into the square but B.Ed. spotted the connection to Leipzig. The change was made and Leipzig was reached as dusk fell.

Thursday 2nd October

The day began with another good breakfast before the Squarrites split into 2 parties with Bill, Craigee and DB heading for the Germania exhibition. The rest headed for the Jewish area off Oranienburger Str.

Yup rested on a dwarf wall next to a small group of students as a school teacher gave a lesson. He sat engrossed on his mobile as the Squarrires speculated that he would receive a detention for not paying attention.

Yup left to revisit the Holocaust Memorial wile the remaining 6 sought for a bar in the park.

Preparations were being made for a carnival in the Brandenburg Gate area to celebrate German Unification on a national holiday on the 3rd.

A street stall with crude tables and chairs sold cheap beers and snacks though the facilities were sparse.

Everyone walked past engrossed in their mobile phones and Jacko contemplated if future trends would include virtual sex with everyone carrying a camera and receiver on their helmet. World travel could be achieved without leaving the armchair.

Brian commented that staying in with a Chinese would take on a whole new meaning.

Andy confirmed that the world was changing. “In 10 years time we could be sitting at a bar in North Korea.”

“Eating dog no doubt, those Korean meat balls are the real dog's bollocks said Sid.”

Traffic appeared to be grinding to a standstill so a taxi was taken to re-group by the radio tower at Alexanderplatz.

Friday 3rd October

German reunification day celebrations would reduce services on all public transport and arrangements were made with the concierge desk for two large taxis at 90 Euros each to ferry the Squarrites back to Schonefeld.

The taxis arrived at 7:45 and sped through the empty streets passing the last remaining long length of wall to the airport.

German efficiency appeared to collapse with long queues for the initial security check followed by an even longer queue for a repeat performance.

A lady approached the detector portal to find the rude and uncommunicative security snapping their rubber gloves. In an attempt to co-operate she strode forward only to be rebuked and returned before they sprayed her and the entire area with aerosol.

Jacko followed the procedure that had served him well at East Midlands and proceeded to place his entire possessions in his case for x-ray. On collection the security man made wild gestures before opening his case to distribute its contents on the rollers and running off with his wallet and passport for examination elsewhere and in private.

Failed again.

The flight was good and the taxi was waiting to whisk the Squarrites to a successful home run after another fabulously well organised outing.

A final beer was needed to finish the holiday and the pavement café's of Oranienburger Strasse welcomed.

Jacko reached for his note pad to discover it missing. He began a mad back to the Indian to be recalled by Sid who had rescued the scribble and added a few notes of his own.

Two nice young ladies in high lift boots with bras to match approached to ask “Are you impromptu?”

“Are you impromptu? She asked again “its 80 Euros for a massage with extras. There are beautiful girls for all just round the corner.

With typical German efficiency she had demonstrated a mastery of language, finance, geography and fellatio.

The Squarrites stared back and wondered who among them had looked impromptu.

The Squarrites made their way to the Amrit Indian Restaurant in Oranienburger Strasse where Yup announced that he would be taking a 5 week recess from duties to backpack his way through Malaysia. He proposed a toast to the absent Richie for creating this year's trip but staying in Doha.

The Nepalese waiter brought beers and spicy popadoms with dips.

The hot spice suggested that the curries could be super hot that could lead to a plane trip home with Bengal rot. However the meals were all extremely mild and innocent by Squarry standards and failed to impress.

Leipzig proved delightful with narrow streets and grand architecture.

Yup led the way through the grand square filled with the sound of a big swing band playing 1940's classics.

The Italian restaurant was reached and beers and food ordered. The waiter brought cutlery specifically for each meal though a quick inspection revealed them to be all the same.

Calzone, pizza, turkey pasta and spaghetti Bolognese went down well but managed to mark the brand new Squarry shirts with additional patterns.

Yup was fortunate to be the only one with tomatoes in his calzone and declared them to be the best he'd ever tasted.

Yup lead the way along the waterfront to grab a quick few drinks before the start of the light show.

Dark and light beers were ordered but the bar girl returned with pretty candles for each table. “I thought she was carrying a torch for me” said Bill.

The conversation switched to dog droppings or rather the apparent lack of it.

The overhead blue sewage pumping mains and associated smell suggested that not all was perfect but the streets were clean.

The sound and light show was projected over the river onto distant buildings and showed a collection of images with English sub titles of the last 70 years of Berlin history. The setting was atmospheric and improved by the passing of occasional barges and cycles.

The Squarrites re-grouped and made their way to the car park where the beer bike had been pre-booked.

Quick visits were made to the chemical portaloos and breathalyser tests were taken.

The beer “bike” turned out to be a coach built saloon bar on a chassis that weighed in excess of one tonne.

“Where's Brian?” asked JC. “Gone to put on his Lycra” said Sid.

Craigee and Jacko were pleased to find their saddles were not equipped with pedals but were soon redirected elsewhere.

Yup connected up his I player and the journey began to tunes such as Life in the fast lane, Take it easy, Chasing cars, Another brick in the wall and many, many more.

The contraption was extremely low geared and equipped with a fluid coupling so that pedalling was hard going but insensitive. Each time the driver rang the bell the Squarrites pedalled as fast as possible to power away at junctions but progress was slow and the bike so wide that whole City blocks came to standstills.

Everyone worked hard with occasional contributions by Sean as the bike made it all the way to the Brandenburg Gate.

JC elected himself barman but he too was kept busy pouring and serving the 20 litres of beer to the exhausted cyclists.

At one time the beer bike was followed by a group of girls on a circular bike contraption. Brian offered the girls a spot of refreshment but was sternly rebuked by the driver. “The authorities already want to close me down, providing drink to others would be final” said the driver.

At the first opportunity the girls overtook and in the blink of an eye were gone.

“Obviously East Germans on steroids” said Sid.

“My wife thinks I'm retired” said Yup

“Your wife thinks you're a retard” said Sid

The music ended with a rendition of “Forgive me Delilah I just couldn't pedal any more” followed by Relax, don't do it.

The beer gave out just as the Squarrites unsaddled back at the car park. JC's calculation had been spot on.

The Opera House was undergoing a restoration that required the use of 4 tower cranes. Worse still the bar that had been enjoyed on the previous visit had been removed.

A quick detour was needed to locate a beautiful bar within the University complex that served draft beer and baguettes.

The sun shone, the beer worked its magic and the cabaret was good.

A Rastafarian cycled past singing loudly “Hey Baby (Uh Ah)” but screeched to a halt on the gravel track in order to eagerly collect some empty bottles.

A psychotic man with severe Turrets Syndrome shouting at imaginary demons passed in the other direction.

The big band was still swinging to American wartime melodies as the Squarrites hurried back to the station to catch the 17:52.

The reason for the long platform became apparent with one long ICE train parked behind the Berlin bound express train.

Hauptbahnhof Station, Berlin proved to have an underground spur connection to the rest of the local network. The S line proved a simpler route back to Hackescher Makt with a walk to TheHofbrau Munchen.

The entertainment had again finished but the beers still cost E4.50 for each half litre.

The H2 remained open for Andy to top up on beer and Tuc biscuits.